A letter to my son on his 1st birthday

Kroy Alexander,

You have been with us for one year now. But long before you were born… just a dream and a longing like none other, you have held my heart in its entirety.

I have more thoughts for you than I could ever express in one letter, but I will try to pour out some of my soul onto these pages in hopes that you will someday feel the depth of my love for you.

The days can be long, but the weeks and months fly like the other sweetest of things in life… like the tastiest meal, the sweetest of summers, and an evening with the best of friends.

I want you to know that your mom, with all of her flaws and faults, insecurities and trials, is the one who has figured out the secret to life. Conquered it, no, but believe with all that I am that the secret to happiness is the impossible and never ending quest for balance.

A wish for you is that you learn to love unconditionally, to accept others and yourself as they are, but to always strive for growth in your intellectual, physical, and spiritual life.

A wish for you is that you are strong, convicted, and opinionated, but also compassionate, empathetic, and gentle. Always put people first. Never throw out anyone.

Please know that I will always see you as a little smarter, a little funnier, a little better looking, and all around, a little bit cooler than anyone else.  But know that you are not better than anyone outside of your mother’s eye covered in a sweet shade of rose. Know that no one, no matter what, is beneath you.

I remember holding your older sister’s beautiful, sweet, lifeless body. I remember knowing, in that moment, that I would never feel a greater feeling…at that time, a feeling of pain so unbearably deep that I would forever be changed.

But I was wrong. I have felt another feeling as strong…the moment you were laid into my arms for a very short time before being whisked away from me to ensure that your early arrival had not put you in risk’s reach.

I hope that you are kind. I hope that you have passion, and things that make you feel giddy, exited, and peaceful. I hope that you laugh…a lot, always, and find humor in the every day.

I hope that when you experience heartbreak, embarrassment, bullies, loss, and all of life’s other unfortunate discomforts, that you can let the pain sink just far enough to know that you never want to inflict those feelings onto others, but not far enough to alter the opinion you have of yourself or of the good that exists in this world.  

You are an observant child. Quiet and happy. You love horses, sports balls, and your pirate treasure map blankie. You love Petey and Pippa, Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and all carbs and sweets. You will give kisses and loves, but only to babies and other toddlers your age that you believe to be younger and smaller than you. You love being with the big boys. You love to talk (listen) on the phone, and are an excellent sleeper. You love music and you love to dance. You are an old soul.

You bring joy to all that you come in contact with.

You are a miracle. You are my treasure.

Happy first birthday, my son.  

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stressed

I found this quote tonight...and I TOTALLY feel this way lately.

"Stress is the trash of the modern day - we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life."

I'm having a hard time balancing this "mom with a career" thing. How on earth do people do it all, and still maintain somewhat of a clean home, groceries in the fridge, meals, errands, laundry(showering...although I'm not as worried about that one), AND giving as much as you can to your clients, child, and husband?

Not to mention...bills, work, ANY type of personal endeavors or something for leisure/pleasure.

When I'm successful with one or two of these, I am failing miserably in other areas. Tonight I finally came to grips with that fact that no, in fact, someone did not break into my home and take everything out of all cupboards, cabinets, and closets and throw everything everywhere and leave...that, in fact, my house is THAT bad.

It's mostly just accumulated piles that I KNOW if I just spent 20 minutes organizing and putting things away/finding a place for them, it really would not be as bad as my dramatic description implies. But still..something I dread, and a daunting task.

I am exhausted, behind, and overwhelmed. And yet, I've spent a couple of long, FULL, glorious, and super fun days with my sweet little 7 month old son. My son that will only be little once, that will only be in this stage that he's in RIGHT NOW, and then on to the next.

However, now I am behind. Which means...late nights, tired days, and too many things on the back burner. So where is the balance?

This time with Kroy makes everything else seems so unimportant. But then, reality sets in, that in fact...I do have other obligations, and they are important.

I think...MAYBE...that all people struggle with this. It is the age old battle of balance. The "secret of life"...right? The secret that we're all seeking but never finding.

I need to somehow re-commit to better planning, more organization, and allotting time for things in which those set aside moments...I give 100% of myself to that ONE thing.

I used to look at certain people and think "wow...they are supermom!" But now, I am finding that none of us are super moms, and all of us are...all at the same time. March on, my working mom friends! This crazy life will try to kick our ass all the way to Sunday if we don't show it who's boss once in awhile.

So now, I am going to bed...going to wake up with a grateful heart, a better attitude, embrace my long workday tomorrow doing something I love, not feel guilty about Kroy at the babysitters, schedule a chunk of an hour or so to do nothing but clean, and give myself a big pat on the back for NOT indulging in the Doritos I've been planning to eat for the last half hour.

Celebrate small victories, right? :-)

Goodnight, friends. Life is good.

(Look at my sweet little Bear! I mean, who wouldn't want to nothing else all day but hang out with this guy?!)

Parenting 101

Top 5 things I've learned about parenting thus far:

1. Babies are all little geniuses. They know exactly when to barf on you (when you're finally showered and ready to walk out the door,) they know exactly when to do the lip quiver so you'll give in, and exactly when to think it's party time (3 a.m. when delirium has officially set in.) I'm not sure if I should be impressed by these super smart tiny humans or horrified. I'm generally both.

2. Moms are SO hard on other moms. Why? This is ridiculous. We are the only ones who knows how hard it can be to "do it all" and balance home, parenting, career, and the constant, endless list. We should support each other, and be each other's biggest fans.

3. Some days and moments you cherish, and some you just need to get through. These flip flop back and forth constantly. And it's okay.

4. Parenthood brings the experience of the most extreme kind of exhaustion that exists. Still...never, ever, EVER say "just you wait" to a tired pregnant lady. It's just annoying and redundant. We all would still take having our babes in our arms than being pregnant ANY DAY. (At least I would!) "Just you wait"-ers need to pipe down. All of you.

5. My son is by far the cutest and best baby in the history of babies. (Oh, wait...we all think that...and always will.) :-)
Happy {tired, barfy, behind-on-work, cutest-baby-ever, same-clothes-for-3-days} Tuesday!!! Life is good. <3

I rigged Kroy up in his car seat in the recliner today to feed himself. Mean or clever? I'm going to go with clever. :-)

It's a...BOY!

Our miracle is here.
Kroy Alexander Clausen

August 13th, 2012
5 lbs. 15 oz.
18.5 inches long

Perfect in every way. The tiniest chubby baby you've ever seen.
Our hearts are full.

<3

The pregnancy game

Things I love about being pregnant:

1. Feeling the baby move, and roll, and flip. Nothing like it in the entire world...even when it wakes me during late hours into the night, or at the most inconvenient times. Don't know if I could ever get enough.
2. Kevin's face when he feels the baby move.
3. Shopping for all sorts of things...especially tiny clothes. (My pocketbook would disagree.)
4. ....feeling the baby move? oh, said that already...
Oh! I thought of one more...Maternity clothes (especially pants) and not having to do the fat man tug on your clothes to make sure your pants are pulled up and your shirt is hanging a certain way to camouflage any rolls that may be lurking...never thought I would ever say this...but somehow there is ease and comfort with a giant round belly, and a waistband that goes up to your boobs and stays put.

Things I not-so-much-care-for about being pregnant:

1. All sorts of stomach issues that last for months and months. (Not sure which ones I'm speaking of? Just sing the pepto bismol commercial jingle in your head and add constipation and a few more.) :-)
2. Achy hips, tailbone, back, feet, and a general feeling of "largeness" and "heaviness."
3. Not being able to move around during photo shoots like before. I love to get into some strange positions during shoots for that "perfect" angle, which sometimes involves laying on the ground, or bending, squatting, climbing, moving fast, etc. It's just not happening like it used to...not that I'm not still trying.
4. The "just you wait..." people. You can't say, post, or speak anything about being tired, or actually being anything without someone saying, "oh just you wait until that baby comes! Then you'll REALLY be: "insert emotion, feeling, or opinion here..."  Yes, thank you.
5. 8,302,340 pieces of unwanted and not-asked-for advice. (too mean?)
6. Having to get up and pee 4,503,230 times/night.

I definitely could go on with the second list, but...I don't want to! I am more than happy to endure any amount of ANY of these things...as long as we get a baby out of the deal. :-)

I am enjoying this journey, but would very much be lying if I didn't say I was ready for this chapter to close and the next to open. I have now been pregnant for 12 months total with both pregnancies combined. One whole year...with a little less than 3 months to go. It's definitely time...and we are so ready!

The countdown is on...crazy summer schedule continues to pass quickly and CAN'T BELIEVE there are only 5 more weekends until football starts for Kevin. What?! How did that happen? First summer of my life I am absolutely thrilled that it's flying by!

Halfway to you

4:02 a.m. Wide awake. Painful heartburn radiating from my neck to my kneecaps. And a little person inside of me doing a full acrobatic routine.

And I am loving it.

20 weeks 5 days. Today marks the day of the last pregnancy when we found out the worst news of our lives...that we had lost our baby...our sweet, beautiful daughter.

It's hard to believe that it's been 7 months since then...and 5 since I've written. In that time, we've come so far on our very emotional journey of attempted parenthood. In that time we've begun a new life, almost lost it, waited out the unknown for 9 agonizing weeks, and finally...hit and passed the "halfway" point.

This baby has continued to give me a precious gift every single day from week 17 on. The gift of movement...constantly. With each flutter, each kick, each punch washing away the doubt and fear and paranoia that crawls into the cracks of my soul and hides there. And of course, this movement tends to be at the most inconvenient times...like now, in the middle of the night, with a full busy day ahead of me tomorrow. I don't care, I'll take it. I cherish it. I wait for it.

I'm finally allowing myself to get excited, allowing myself thoughts of bringing this baby home...of holding this baby, feeding this baby, walking the floors through the night running on no sleep with this screaming baby. I want this child in my arms so bad sometimes that it aches. Halfway! We are halfway to you.

I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to see your face, to touch your skin. To take more photographs of you than of anything I've ever photographed in my life. To rejoice when I bear witness to you experiencing life's greatest joys and treasures, and to silently crumble in heartbreak and pain when you experience life's hardships...teaching you, molding you, preparing you.

So I will impatiently keep waiting, and counting down the days, the weeks, the months until you're in my arms. Until then, I will be grateful that I am halfway to you.

<3

A Love Letter

                     

My sweet Percy girl,

It’s been 2 ½ weeks, and life has not been the same without you.  From the moment I laid eyes on you, it was love at first sight. Your sparkling personality still echos through every square inch of this home, despite your lack of physical presence.

                                                                                                                                                         I remember so vividly moments spent with you, and dread the days when those memories will fade. And although I’m sure there are beautiful, eloquent, touching ways to put this, the meaning remains the same…I miss you.

I miss those big beautiful chocolate chips eyes that were always full of something…wonder, excitement, understanding, comfort, companionship, happiness, and every other emotion that your sweet little being felt.

I miss you ALWAYS at my feet…always, following me throughout every room of the house and making yourself comfy as you watched me fulfill the task at hand.

I miss your nose underneath the bathroom door for every trip to the bathroom, patiently waiting.

I miss watching wrestle mania in my living room for hours every night with you and Petey….followed by choosing the perfect spot to settle in and snooze.

Oh I miss that tail. That sweet little curled tail that wagged and wagged from the time you woke up in the morning until the time you went to sleep, and sometimes even in your puppy dreams.

I miss your well behaved and patient demeanor, and your inquisitive and curious nature.

The day that I lost you, you curled up to me and snuggled that morning unlike you ever had before. No matter how ridiculous or irrational this may seem to others, I will always cherish that as our special goodbye.

You were my first dog. You were the one who changed my entire mindset and opinion of pets and animals. You brought something to my life that I have never experienced before. Until the end of time, every dog I encounter will be compared to you, and never hold up.

You were my favorite subject of all time to photograph. And although my heart still aches missing you, I am grateful for the short time we shared, and the memories made and lessons learned from my first sweet puppy.

Every time I open the door, I still imagine you trotting happily toward me from your last exploration adventure.

Thank you for adding to the richness of my life. And although you are not with us any longer, you are and always will be a very significant part of my story.

And you really were the best little dog ever.

With love, always.