And I am loving it.
20 weeks 5 days. Today marks the day of the last pregnancy when we found out the worst news of our lives...that we had lost our baby...our sweet, beautiful daughter.
It's hard to believe that it's been 7 months since then...and 5 since I've written. In that time, we've come so far on our very emotional journey of attempted parenthood. In that time we've begun a new life, almost lost it, waited out the unknown for 9 agonizing weeks, and finally...hit and passed the "halfway" point.
This baby has continued to give me a precious gift every single day from week 17 on. The gift of movement...constantly. With each flutter, each kick, each punch washing away the doubt and fear and paranoia that crawls into the cracks of my soul and hides there. And of course, this movement tends to be at the most inconvenient times...like now, in the middle of the night, with a full busy day ahead of me tomorrow. I don't care, I'll take it. I cherish it. I wait for it.
I'm finally allowing myself to get excited, allowing myself thoughts of bringing this baby home...of holding this baby, feeding this baby, walking the floors through the night running on no sleep with this screaming baby. I want this child in my arms so bad sometimes that it aches. Halfway! We are halfway to you.
I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to see your face, to touch your skin. To take more photographs of you than of anything I've ever photographed in my life. To rejoice when I bear witness to you experiencing life's greatest joys and treasures, and to silently crumble in heartbreak and pain when you experience life's hardships...teaching you, molding you, preparing you.
So I will impatiently keep waiting, and counting down the days, the weeks, the months until you're in my arms. Until then, I will be grateful that I am halfway to you.
<3
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