A letter to my son on his 1st birthday

Kroy Alexander,

You have been with us for one year now. But long before you were born… just a dream and a longing like none other, you have held my heart in its entirety.

I have more thoughts for you than I could ever express in one letter, but I will try to pour out some of my soul onto these pages in hopes that you will someday feel the depth of my love for you.

The days can be long, but the weeks and months fly like the other sweetest of things in life… like the tastiest meal, the sweetest of summers, and an evening with the best of friends.

I want you to know that your mom, with all of her flaws and faults, insecurities and trials, is the one who has figured out the secret to life. Conquered it, no, but believe with all that I am that the secret to happiness is the impossible and never ending quest for balance.

A wish for you is that you learn to love unconditionally, to accept others and yourself as they are, but to always strive for growth in your intellectual, physical, and spiritual life.

A wish for you is that you are strong, convicted, and opinionated, but also compassionate, empathetic, and gentle. Always put people first. Never throw out anyone.

Please know that I will always see you as a little smarter, a little funnier, a little better looking, and all around, a little bit cooler than anyone else.  But know that you are not better than anyone outside of your mother’s eye covered in a sweet shade of rose. Know that no one, no matter what, is beneath you.

I remember holding your older sister’s beautiful, sweet, lifeless body. I remember knowing, in that moment, that I would never feel a greater feeling…at that time, a feeling of pain so unbearably deep that I would forever be changed.

But I was wrong. I have felt another feeling as strong…the moment you were laid into my arms for a very short time before being whisked away from me to ensure that your early arrival had not put you in risk’s reach.

I hope that you are kind. I hope that you have passion, and things that make you feel giddy, exited, and peaceful. I hope that you laugh…a lot, always, and find humor in the every day.

I hope that when you experience heartbreak, embarrassment, bullies, loss, and all of life’s other unfortunate discomforts, that you can let the pain sink just far enough to know that you never want to inflict those feelings onto others, but not far enough to alter the opinion you have of yourself or of the good that exists in this world.  

You are an observant child. Quiet and happy. You love horses, sports balls, and your pirate treasure map blankie. You love Petey and Pippa, Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and all carbs and sweets. You will give kisses and loves, but only to babies and other toddlers your age that you believe to be younger and smaller than you. You love being with the big boys. You love to talk (listen) on the phone, and are an excellent sleeper. You love music and you love to dance. You are an old soul.

You bring joy to all that you come in contact with.

You are a miracle. You are my treasure.

Happy first birthday, my son.  

Mama