Dirty Thirty

It's the last night of my 20's. Wow, what a ride. As I reflect on the last decade, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with the craziness of life...both extremes of highs to lows and everything in between. In the last 10 years, I've married a boy I loved before I knew, graduated college, started my own business. I've buried a child, and brought one home. I've had -$7.00 in my bank account while owing $70,000, not knowing where my next meal was coming from, and I've dug through the trenches and reached the light at the end of the tunnel of student, business, medical, and bad decision debt to be able to purchase a home and a fresh start. I've been thin, I've been fat. I've loved hard, fought hard, grieved hard. Crying and laughing all the way. I've fallen on my face and learned things the hard way more times than I could count. There are days I feel 19 without a clue what I'm doing, and days I feel 67 and that I've figured a few things out. 

I don't dread 30. I've earned 30, I'll wear it proudly.

Cheers *clink* to the next 30. To the continued journey to finding our best selves. After all, it's all any us can do is live our truth, and strive to be better than the day before. xoxo...

This old house.

Remember that show? This Old House...with Bob Vila? The pre Mike Holmes PBS home improvement show. My dad used to watch that when I was a kid.

Anyway...so, we bought a home! I can't believe it. Kevin and I have been talking about and hoping for this exact point in our lives for approximately 7 years (give or take.)

And, not only did we find a home, we found a big, beautiful, unique, special house that we love, and absolutely cannot wait to make our own.

And yet, as the excitement builds (and the relief sets in after a 10+ week bank process is finally over,) I can't help but start to get emotional about leaving our little 'ol rental behind the trees on the edge of Warrior territory.

Deep within the walls of wood paneling, the one (sometimes) working light bulb in the bathroom, the wild cats in the trees and the creepy dark storage basement...our hearts rested here.

Our hearts rested in a place that we celebrated in, grieved in, laughed in, fought in, loved. A perfect location, with the sounds (and smell) of the cows in the spring, and the buzz of harvest all around us in the fall.

I will miss this house, and will cherish the adventures that have taken place here...our first kiss, right outside under the stars, accidentally flushing my wedding ring down the toilet (don't worry, we got it back! Now THAT'S a story for you.), the most beautiful winter wonderland (AND photography location!), and finally walking through the door with our Kroy to his first home.

We had, without a doubt, the most amazing landlords that ever did exist. Now, this is the part that really makes me cry. In an area and market that they could have easily quadrupled the rent we were paying (probably more than that)...they never did. They fixed anything, and everything...almost immediately upon request. The months that we were struggling...struggling financially (and emotionally,) they never asked us for payment. While what felt an astronomical amount of money was flying out the door toward medical debts and collections from babies and the struggles of getting them into this world, there were times we would fall behind, and payment was behind or late. Not once did we get a phone call or pressure, they just patiently waited until we caught up. In what world? They play such a huge part in our new home and the fact that possibility even existed. They will never know how grateful we are to them, how much they mean to us, and what a gift they have been in our lives. God Bless 'em.


And so, we move along down the road. 11 miles down the road to be exact, and we leave a piece of our souls on the edge of the Klose Farm and in the dirt of Warrior country. Our first home will always be a treasured one. And I'll tell you another thing; the moon has never shined so bright as when you're sitting on the top step out the back door of this old house.

A letter to my son on his 2nd birthday (and cheers to all the toddler moms!)

My Kroy,

Well…it’s Shark Week again, and that can only mean one thing. You’re another year older…it’s your birthday week.

What a year this second of your life has been for all of us. It has brought challenges I never dreamed we would face within such a short time span. Major career changes, heartache, unfortunate circumstances, months of ear infections, tubes, an insane schedule that we are still adjusting to 8 months later, and oh-so-much more of life’s crazy and unexpected unknowns.

Your dad gave up a job that he loved and lived for to make a better life for us. And despite being on that path, we are still in progress adjusting to these major changes. Change is so hard. Someday I will tell you about what he sacrificed for us, what it meant, and how it changed our lives. For now, I will just tell you how proud I am of him and that it makes me incredibly grateful that you will grow up with a perfect example of bravery and courage. With this path to a different future, also came the compromise of his time. Every other week, 24/7, it’s just me and you, kid. This has been a big adjustment for both of us.

So many changes have been brought about since one year ago when I sat down, teary-eyed, to write a letter to my son on his first birthday. I have not written a blog post since that until now, (if that is at all telling of the madness that has ensued within this year.)

You are a funny little man. You are very smart and observant...an independent spirit. You are so unbelievably stubborn (and so physically strong.) You love to be outside, to run, to chase, throw balls, tackle, rough-house…you are all boy. You are slow to warm up to people, but usually come around. You love your dad so much…and love to be with the boys. You have a shy side, and an outgoing side…depending on your surroundings. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for you.

I wish I could say that this year has been easy. I wish I could say that I’m confident we’re doing everything “right” and know what to do in most situations and interactions with you. But I can’t say that.

I wish I could say that I do everything in my power to be the very best mom I can be every day. But I can’t always say that either. Sometimes I cheat. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing. Sometimes I put you in the high chair in front of cartoons with a string cheese and some lunch meat and call it a meal. Sometimes I put on a movie and hope that I can work for 20 straight minutes on my computer with no interruption. Sometimes as you are flailing around in full meltdown mode in public screeching and doing the bucking bronco to get out of my arms, (all 37 pounds of you)…I’m really just not sure what to do, so I do nothing…too much…or not enough. Sometimes I lose my cool, and become short and frustrated. Sometimes I’m so exhausted, and the energy I had toward educational fun, consistent discipline, and keeping on schedule goes out the window. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for all of those things I’ve listed above and so, so many more…and sometimes I don’t.

But, despite it all, I still think (and hope) that you laugh more than you cry, you run more than you sit, you play more than you’re idle, and you eat more fruit than candy. You are exceptionally well behaved when other people are watching you. (I have no proof of that personally, but I’m going to take their word for it.)

Sometimes, I feel like I love you so much it hurts. I want you to experience every joy in this life and avoid every heartache, despite knowing that’s not possible.

I had a very very strong misconception that making you “learn the hard way” and a little “tough love” didn’t start until you were much, much older. Boy was I wrong.

My wish for you is that you’re a fast learner. That you bump your head a little less and give hugs a little more. That you make friends a little faster and learn that patience, drive, and effort alone will get you so far in life. You will learn much of this the hard way…the independent way…so I hope you learn fast. My wish for you is freedom….freedom from stress, worry, sadness, and that laughter, play, and adventure reigns your toddler life. Isn’t it ironic that the only time in life we are truly free in that sense…we don’t remember any of it?

And this year, as selfish as it may sound, I also have a few wishes for myself. I hope that I can remain focused on the big picture, and not be so caught up in the little things, as I navigate this journey of losing myself and finding myself all over time and again. I hope that I can remember a little more often that I am your constant example of all things good and bad…to keep my tone a little sweeter, my voice a little softer, and my exhausted, frustrated sighs to myself.

Everyone always says…”it goes so fast.” And it does, for the most part. (And, my personal favorite…”you will miss this.”) But there is a reason the toddler years fly by, and you trade in each good and bad for another set of good and bad with each stage. It’s because none of us moms would survive with a permanent toddler in our lives forever.

There is much the human spirit can learn from a toddler. Here are some things I’ve learned from you:

Never hold back. Just go for it…whether a nose dive off the couch (a leap of faith) or a sprint through the mud puddle in your family picture outfit (lose your inhibitions.)

Naps are an absolute necessity.

Laugh at things that are funny…no matter where you are or who you are around. There is no inappropriate place for laughter.

You know no judgment. You will high five anyone, take food from anyone, laugh with anyone, and love anyone. Keep that…always. Everyone is just navigating through this world the best they know how.

There is wonder and excitement in the littlest of things…things our adult eyes and souls have lost touch with.

Thank you for the challenges, the lessons, the laughs, and the tears. I love being your mom, Kroy. God is in your gut; always go with your gut. Let’s see what this next year has in store. We're in this together.

Xoxo...

A letter to my son on his 1st birthday

Kroy Alexander,

You have been with us for one year now. But long before you were born… just a dream and a longing like none other, you have held my heart in its entirety.

I have more thoughts for you than I could ever express in one letter, but I will try to pour out some of my soul onto these pages in hopes that you will someday feel the depth of my love for you.

The days can be long, but the weeks and months fly like the other sweetest of things in life… like the tastiest meal, the sweetest of summers, and an evening with the best of friends.

I want you to know that your mom, with all of her flaws and faults, insecurities and trials, is the one who has figured out the secret to life. Conquered it, no, but believe with all that I am that the secret to happiness is the impossible and never ending quest for balance.

A wish for you is that you learn to love unconditionally, to accept others and yourself as they are, but to always strive for growth in your intellectual, physical, and spiritual life.

A wish for you is that you are strong, convicted, and opinionated, but also compassionate, empathetic, and gentle. Always put people first. Never throw out anyone.

Please know that I will always see you as a little smarter, a little funnier, a little better looking, and all around, a little bit cooler than anyone else.  But know that you are not better than anyone outside of your mother’s eye covered in a sweet shade of rose. Know that no one, no matter what, is beneath you.

I remember holding your older sister’s beautiful, sweet, lifeless body. I remember knowing, in that moment, that I would never feel a greater feeling…at that time, a feeling of pain so unbearably deep that I would forever be changed.

But I was wrong. I have felt another feeling as strong…the moment you were laid into my arms for a very short time before being whisked away from me to ensure that your early arrival had not put you in risk’s reach.

I hope that you are kind. I hope that you have passion, and things that make you feel giddy, exited, and peaceful. I hope that you laugh…a lot, always, and find humor in the every day.

I hope that when you experience heartbreak, embarrassment, bullies, loss, and all of life’s other unfortunate discomforts, that you can let the pain sink just far enough to know that you never want to inflict those feelings onto others, but not far enough to alter the opinion you have of yourself or of the good that exists in this world.  

You are an observant child. Quiet and happy. You love horses, sports balls, and your pirate treasure map blankie. You love Petey and Pippa, Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and all carbs and sweets. You will give kisses and loves, but only to babies and other toddlers your age that you believe to be younger and smaller than you. You love being with the big boys. You love to talk (listen) on the phone, and are an excellent sleeper. You love music and you love to dance. You are an old soul.

You bring joy to all that you come in contact with.

You are a miracle. You are my treasure.

Happy first birthday, my son.  

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stressed

I found this quote tonight...and I TOTALLY feel this way lately.

"Stress is the trash of the modern day - we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life."

I'm having a hard time balancing this "mom with a career" thing. How on earth do people do it all, and still maintain somewhat of a clean home, groceries in the fridge, meals, errands, laundry(showering...although I'm not as worried about that one), AND giving as much as you can to your clients, child, and husband?

Not to mention...bills, work, ANY type of personal endeavors or something for leisure/pleasure.

When I'm successful with one or two of these, I am failing miserably in other areas. Tonight I finally came to grips with that fact that no, in fact, someone did not break into my home and take everything out of all cupboards, cabinets, and closets and throw everything everywhere and leave...that, in fact, my house is THAT bad.

It's mostly just accumulated piles that I KNOW if I just spent 20 minutes organizing and putting things away/finding a place for them, it really would not be as bad as my dramatic description implies. But still..something I dread, and a daunting task.

I am exhausted, behind, and overwhelmed. And yet, I've spent a couple of long, FULL, glorious, and super fun days with my sweet little 7 month old son. My son that will only be little once, that will only be in this stage that he's in RIGHT NOW, and then on to the next.

However, now I am behind. Which means...late nights, tired days, and too many things on the back burner. So where is the balance?

This time with Kroy makes everything else seems so unimportant. But then, reality sets in, that in fact...I do have other obligations, and they are important.

I think...MAYBE...that all people struggle with this. It is the age old battle of balance. The "secret of life"...right? The secret that we're all seeking but never finding.

I need to somehow re-commit to better planning, more organization, and allotting time for things in which those set aside moments...I give 100% of myself to that ONE thing.

I used to look at certain people and think "wow...they are supermom!" But now, I am finding that none of us are super moms, and all of us are...all at the same time. March on, my working mom friends! This crazy life will try to kick our ass all the way to Sunday if we don't show it who's boss once in awhile.

So now, I am going to bed...going to wake up with a grateful heart, a better attitude, embrace my long workday tomorrow doing something I love, not feel guilty about Kroy at the babysitters, schedule a chunk of an hour or so to do nothing but clean, and give myself a big pat on the back for NOT indulging in the Doritos I've been planning to eat for the last half hour.

Celebrate small victories, right? :-)

Goodnight, friends. Life is good.

(Look at my sweet little Bear! I mean, who wouldn't want to nothing else all day but hang out with this guy?!)

Parenting 101

Top 5 things I've learned about parenting thus far:

1. Babies are all little geniuses. They know exactly when to barf on you (when you're finally showered and ready to walk out the door,) they know exactly when to do the lip quiver so you'll give in, and exactly when to think it's party time (3 a.m. when delirium has officially set in.) I'm not sure if I should be impressed by these super smart tiny humans or horrified. I'm generally both.

2. Moms are SO hard on other moms. Why? This is ridiculous. We are the only ones who knows how hard it can be to "do it all" and balance home, parenting, career, and the constant, endless list. We should support each other, and be each other's biggest fans.

3. Some days and moments you cherish, and some you just need to get through. These flip flop back and forth constantly. And it's okay.

4. Parenthood brings the experience of the most extreme kind of exhaustion that exists. Still...never, ever, EVER say "just you wait" to a tired pregnant lady. It's just annoying and redundant. We all would still take having our babes in our arms than being pregnant ANY DAY. (At least I would!) "Just you wait"-ers need to pipe down. All of you.

5. My son is by far the cutest and best baby in the history of babies. (Oh, wait...we all think that...and always will.) :-)
Happy {tired, barfy, behind-on-work, cutest-baby-ever, same-clothes-for-3-days} Tuesday!!! Life is good. <3

I rigged Kroy up in his car seat in the recliner today to feed himself. Mean or clever? I'm going to go with clever. :-)

It's a...BOY!

Our miracle is here.
Kroy Alexander Clausen

August 13th, 2012
5 lbs. 15 oz.
18.5 inches long

Perfect in every way. The tiniest chubby baby you've ever seen.
Our hearts are full.

<3