The pregnancy game

Things I love about being pregnant:

1. Feeling the baby move, and roll, and flip. Nothing like it in the entire world...even when it wakes me during late hours into the night, or at the most inconvenient times. Don't know if I could ever get enough.
2. Kevin's face when he feels the baby move.
3. Shopping for all sorts of things...especially tiny clothes. (My pocketbook would disagree.)
4. ....feeling the baby move? oh, said that already...
Oh! I thought of one more...Maternity clothes (especially pants) and not having to do the fat man tug on your clothes to make sure your pants are pulled up and your shirt is hanging a certain way to camouflage any rolls that may be lurking...never thought I would ever say this...but somehow there is ease and comfort with a giant round belly, and a waistband that goes up to your boobs and stays put.

Things I not-so-much-care-for about being pregnant:

1. All sorts of stomach issues that last for months and months. (Not sure which ones I'm speaking of? Just sing the pepto bismol commercial jingle in your head and add constipation and a few more.) :-)
2. Achy hips, tailbone, back, feet, and a general feeling of "largeness" and "heaviness."
3. Not being able to move around during photo shoots like before. I love to get into some strange positions during shoots for that "perfect" angle, which sometimes involves laying on the ground, or bending, squatting, climbing, moving fast, etc. It's just not happening like it used to...not that I'm not still trying.
4. The "just you wait..." people. You can't say, post, or speak anything about being tired, or actually being anything without someone saying, "oh just you wait until that baby comes! Then you'll REALLY be: "insert emotion, feeling, or opinion here..."  Yes, thank you.
5. 8,302,340 pieces of unwanted and not-asked-for advice. (too mean?)
6. Having to get up and pee 4,503,230 times/night.

I definitely could go on with the second list, but...I don't want to! I am more than happy to endure any amount of ANY of these things...as long as we get a baby out of the deal. :-)

I am enjoying this journey, but would very much be lying if I didn't say I was ready for this chapter to close and the next to open. I have now been pregnant for 12 months total with both pregnancies combined. One whole year...with a little less than 3 months to go. It's definitely time...and we are so ready!

The countdown is on...crazy summer schedule continues to pass quickly and CAN'T BELIEVE there are only 5 more weekends until football starts for Kevin. What?! How did that happen? First summer of my life I am absolutely thrilled that it's flying by!

Halfway to you

4:02 a.m. Wide awake. Painful heartburn radiating from my neck to my kneecaps. And a little person inside of me doing a full acrobatic routine.

And I am loving it.

20 weeks 5 days. Today marks the day of the last pregnancy when we found out the worst news of our lives...that we had lost our baby...our sweet, beautiful daughter.

It's hard to believe that it's been 7 months since then...and 5 since I've written. In that time, we've come so far on our very emotional journey of attempted parenthood. In that time we've begun a new life, almost lost it, waited out the unknown for 9 agonizing weeks, and finally...hit and passed the "halfway" point.

This baby has continued to give me a precious gift every single day from week 17 on. The gift of movement...constantly. With each flutter, each kick, each punch washing away the doubt and fear and paranoia that crawls into the cracks of my soul and hides there. And of course, this movement tends to be at the most inconvenient times...like now, in the middle of the night, with a full busy day ahead of me tomorrow. I don't care, I'll take it. I cherish it. I wait for it.

I'm finally allowing myself to get excited, allowing myself thoughts of bringing this baby home...of holding this baby, feeding this baby, walking the floors through the night running on no sleep with this screaming baby. I want this child in my arms so bad sometimes that it aches. Halfway! We are halfway to you.

I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to see your face, to touch your skin. To take more photographs of you than of anything I've ever photographed in my life. To rejoice when I bear witness to you experiencing life's greatest joys and treasures, and to silently crumble in heartbreak and pain when you experience life's hardships...teaching you, molding you, preparing you.

So I will impatiently keep waiting, and counting down the days, the weeks, the months until you're in my arms. Until then, I will be grateful that I am halfway to you.

<3

A Love Letter

                     

My sweet Percy girl,

It’s been 2 ½ weeks, and life has not been the same without you.  From the moment I laid eyes on you, it was love at first sight. Your sparkling personality still echos through every square inch of this home, despite your lack of physical presence.

                                                                                                                                                         I remember so vividly moments spent with you, and dread the days when those memories will fade. And although I’m sure there are beautiful, eloquent, touching ways to put this, the meaning remains the same…I miss you.

I miss those big beautiful chocolate chips eyes that were always full of something…wonder, excitement, understanding, comfort, companionship, happiness, and every other emotion that your sweet little being felt.

I miss you ALWAYS at my feet…always, following me throughout every room of the house and making yourself comfy as you watched me fulfill the task at hand.

I miss your nose underneath the bathroom door for every trip to the bathroom, patiently waiting.

I miss watching wrestle mania in my living room for hours every night with you and Petey….followed by choosing the perfect spot to settle in and snooze.

Oh I miss that tail. That sweet little curled tail that wagged and wagged from the time you woke up in the morning until the time you went to sleep, and sometimes even in your puppy dreams.

I miss your well behaved and patient demeanor, and your inquisitive and curious nature.

The day that I lost you, you curled up to me and snuggled that morning unlike you ever had before. No matter how ridiculous or irrational this may seem to others, I will always cherish that as our special goodbye.

You were my first dog. You were the one who changed my entire mindset and opinion of pets and animals. You brought something to my life that I have never experienced before. Until the end of time, every dog I encounter will be compared to you, and never hold up.

You were my favorite subject of all time to photograph. And although my heart still aches missing you, I am grateful for the short time we shared, and the memories made and lessons learned from my first sweet puppy.

Every time I open the door, I still imagine you trotting happily toward me from your last exploration adventure.

Thank you for adding to the richness of my life. And although you are not with us any longer, you are and always will be a very significant part of my story.

And you really were the best little dog ever.

With love, always.



The Heart of a Warrior

For the last 4 years, I have watched as my husband has lived out his passion of being a football coach.
I have watched, as he has...

-Fallen in love with a new group of 20-25 boys and the dynamic they share each season that begins. Loving them, teaching them, holding them accountable, and guiding them as he would if they were each his own.

-Lost sleep over players, plays, big games, parent issues, coaches issues, plans, strategies, and countless other things.

-Made some very difficult and brave decisions.

-Stood up for those decisions, when many turned their back on him.

-Struggled, enjoyed, and triumphed in the building of a program that he believes in from the bottom of his heart.

And although this season did not end up how everyone had hoped and dreamed...I find it hard to see my husband as anything but a true champion. As the years have passed, I have watched some pretty tough losses. I have seen a cruel world turn it's back on him, only for him to keep fighting onward in the pursuit of his truth and beliefs.

Of course this season, for us, was much different than most, as we celebrated the happiest and most exciting time in our lives, followed by a personal tragedy unlike anything either of us had faced before. And through it all, when I looked at my husband, I saw a Warrior.

I saw a Warrior as he spent the summer anxiously awaiting and planning out the season ahead...and...the new upcoming role of parenthood.

I saw a Warrior as his team remained successful and he refused to give himself the credit, claiming that it was only the boys and what they had done for themselves that had gotten them to the point they were at.

I saw a Warrior as I watched him hold our little girl in his arms with strength and courage as his heart shattered into a million pieces.

I saw a Warrior as he carried on his many daily duties, responsibilities to his team and his job, and took on the responsibility of carrying me through my most difficult endeavor. An act that I will always deem impossible to repay.

I saw a Warrior as he held my hand, or held me close and stayed awake...sometimes for hours, as I cried myself to sleep every single night for weeks, with eyes full of his own pain, stress, and exhaustion.

So, no, I cannot say that I look at this football season with disappointment and sorrow for their 2nd place finish. I see a group of boys who are hard workers. A team of leaders who are learning life lessons, gaining a passion for the sport, and loving every minute of it. I see the accumulation of years of dedication, and doing a lot of things that at the time, are not that "fun" to step toward the greater good of the goal. History was made, and I see a group that is hungry for more. For second chances. For next year.

But above all, for me, standing at the front of the pack...humbly beaming with pride for his team..his "other family"...I see a man with the heart of a Warrior.

I love him now...today... more than I ever thought possible to love anyone or anything. Words could never express how grateful I am to have been given this gift of his love in my life. When I married Kevin Clausen I had no idea of what I was getting myself into in many, MANY regards. Yet somehow, I ended up the luckiest.

I ended up with a Warrior.

The Studio

Today has been a very long day of packing, hauling, and clearing out the studio. It is hard not to question at times if I am making the right decision with giving up the building. As I deal with each item, each photograph, each piece of furniture that was specifically chosen for a place and a purpose…sometimes waiting months to find the perfect piece that I had envisioned, it is bittersweet to say the least. Everything has a memory attached to it, and almost always a good one. It is crazy how much you can accumulate in such a large space over the course of 2 years…and equally as crazy how all of it can be cleared out in just a couple of days.

I’m not sure if it’s because my overall mindset is still under a large storm cloud of loss, or if it’s just the exhaustion of the big move, but I am continually needing to remind myself that not working out of a building does not take away my ability to take photographs, or my desire to. It does not take away all of the memories, the clients, and the people. It does not make me “less legit” or all of the other thoughts that have been running through my mind.

I couldn’t help but find the irony in the process of moving out and how it compared so closely to the process of my grief lately. The building started out as full, warm, safe, and comfortable…then shocking news of change, followed by the mess that ensues when packing begins and it’s a complete disaster, then, as it is now, almost completely empty.

And yet, despite the questions and sadness, there is something to be said about the weight that is lifted with the end of such a large time and financial responsibility. Although I remember the wonderful things, I also remember the editing sessions that lasted far into the late hours of the night, missing dinners, time, and even “goodnights” with Kevin. I remember the stress of such a heavy workload, coming home to empty cupboards, full laundry baskets, and messy counter tops. It will be nice, and fulfilling, to shift the focus of care and love of the business/building…into my home and family more than I’ve ever had time for.

I feel myself getting stronger as the days go by. I still have some very dark, haunting moments and some pretty rough nights…but overall, I am healing. I have this vivid memory of being in the hospital for labor and delivery. We were finally admitted, changed, and checked in. Explained what would happen and were all “set up” for what was to come. The doctors administered the medicine to induce labor, shot a syringe of pain medicine through my iv, and then left the room. The minute the door shut was one of the first moments Kevin and I had been alone since hearing our life altering news. I felt a rush of the pain meds course through my whole body, relaxing every limb and muscle…and my mind…for the first time in hours. My mind went blank and I could finally breathe again…large deep breathes as if they were my first. That is the moment that I lost it as Kevin held me close, neither of knowing what we could possibly say in that moment. I sobbed harder, longer, and more uninhibited than I ever have in my life…and the release felt good.    

Every day since then, I have longed for the feeling of release similar to that…without the tears of course. I can feel that the grief has taken a toll on me physically with the tightness in my joints, muscles, and mind …as a result of attempting to “hold it together.”

But there is beauty to be found in emptiness…which is a need to be “refilled” again. I seek fresh starts and new beginnings with our lives and goals and perspectives. Every day is a new day, and life goes on.  I will never forget holding my sleeping angel in my arms with my heart shattering into so many pieces, I think I could hear it breaking. But now, it drives me to live a life so much richer, kinder, and fuller than I ever thought of or desired for. I have the ability, and the choice to do so. And if our precious daughter cannot share in the wonder of life’s greatest blessings…I will try to live in a way that can do so for the both of us, while holding onto the hope that a baby we so desperately long for, is still in God’s plan for us.

And just as my emptiness will someday be filled again…so will the building in which I used as a key element in progressing my career. The building will now become a bakery, and specialty cake shop, run by some wonderful people who have had a rough road themselves in getting to where they are now.

We all have a story, but it is up to us how the story ends.

Holding an Angel

There are lessons that can be found in pain so deep and a heart so shattered that nothing else in the world matters. Slowly, as I keep breathing, keep pushing through each day...all 11 so far...I begin to find comfort and very tiny, small moments of peace.

It's still very hard to believe that you can wake up every day for a very long time with the thoughts, hopes, dreams, and life changing plans for the tiny human growing inside of you, and in one moment...it's gone. It's still hard to believe you can go through pregnancy, labor, delivery, holding your child in your arms, and leave the hospital with nothing but a broken heart. I still struggle with an overwhelming feeling of longing in every single moment. With empty arms and an empty home, it is hard not to feel robbed of the one and only thing that ever mattered more than anything else.

Yet...despite the fact that I have now experienced the worst day of my life thus far, it is the same day that I laid eyes upon the most precious and beautiful face I've ever seen...and all of a sudden nothing else in the universe mattered.

Life is SO precious, and so delicate, and at times...so unfair. We must  keep in mind as we go through the day to day and get lost in the shuffle of  "busy-ness" and the daily grind, that in an instant, it can be gone. And that every single person...is someone else's precious angel.

I cling to thoughts of the future...and about the things that I have now that I didn't have before.

...an understanding of HOW incredible the man that chose to marry ME actually is.

...an appreciation for my family.

...an amazement at the amount of people willing to pray for you and support you in a time of need.

...a new found confidence in myself (and my marriage)...that I and we really can make it to the other side of anything.

...a love unlike I have ever felt or known before in my life...and for someone I didn't even get to meet.

And...not many people can say this, but I have held an angel in my arms.

"A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I've tried.
And neither can a million tears,
I know because I've cried.

I didn't have to look into your eyes
to fall in love with you,
I didn't have to hear you cry,
To know you loved me too,

If tears could build a stairway,
 and memories a lane,
I'd climb right up to Heaven,
 and bring you home again."

'Till Death Do Us Part

I'm going to get right to it. I stayed up all night to watch the Royal Wedding.

For days before the event...or more like weeks, I listened and watched a ridiculous amount of coverage on Kate Middleton, (who quickly became referred to as Catherine, since I guess that made her sound more legit as a royal princess) on the wedding, the speculation, the details, the parties, and on and on and on...

As this coverage spun incessantly, I began to see people posting things on their facebook about how "annoying it was" and "who cares?" and other very strongly irritated feelings on the topic. And although I COMPLETELY agree with how ridiculous some of the constant coverage and seeming obsession got...I'm not gonna lie...I couldn't wait to see her.

Now, first let me defend myself before I even start by saying that I do have an above average interest in all things wedding and bride due to my profession. I mean if you really think about it, half or more of my entire income comes from capturing and sharing in people's wedding days. So there.

Anyway, yes...I stayed up and watched. And when I saw her, I gasped. She was radiant, stunning...and all I could think about was the perfection of this event. I couldn't stop thinking about being a guest at that wedding...or the bride herself...or a photographer! (*sigh* can you imagine?)

(Look at her, though, I mean...stunning.)

This series of events leading up to and actually watching the royal wedding itself made me think about what weddings have really become in today's world.

My wedding day was great. A lot of it I don't remember because it went by in a flash, but what I do, it was a fun day with so much emotion...happiness, fear, anxiety, excitement, and every other emotion under the sun. But lets be honest...there were some disasters. And being someone who not only attends but is behind the scenes with many weddings each year, I have yet to be a part of one where these little disasters don't take place. No matter the bride, no matter the budget, no matter the amount of detailed planning down the the minute. (Well, lets be honest, Princess Kate's 50 mil probably bought her a pretty stress free day...but besides her.)

But in all reality, there is so much pressure for things to be "perfect" on that day. I'm not exactly sure where this comes from...maybe just the age-old idea of fairy tales and princesses and happily ever after. The funny thing is, we all know that's not real, yet still have secret hopes and visions of that. 

Weddings are hard to plan. Relationships are hard work. Marriage is HARD. That's reality. But we do still seem to cling to the idea of the glitz, glamour, beauty and story of love and fairy tales.

But I'm sure Kate had her ups and downs on her special day too. I mean, she's human, so lets not forget HER moments of sweaty pits, needing to pee, sore feet, throbbing cheeks from smiling for HOURS straight because millions of people are watching, a growling stomach because she didn't eat, or ate too much, and on and on...but still, she's a princess now, so she'll be fine.

Anyway, all in all, I thought she was one of the most beautiful brides I've ever seen. I just hope (genuinely!) that her marriage is as wonderful and "perfect" as her wedding event. (Quick depressing fact: 3 of Queen Elizabeth's 4 children are divorced.)

On a slightly different note, because of all of this media coverage, I also became aware of the engagement ring Kate Middleton was given, that was also princess Diana's. A $60,000 (in the 80's, mind you) blue sapphire stone surrounded by 14 diamonds.

I thought to myself...hmmm...this ring looks familiar!!! And on the night (well morning by that time!) of the royal wedding, I dug out this dandy of mine:



No, no, no, hold your horses, I did NOT order this off of an infomercial as a replica so I could have the same ring as the new princess. I actually bought this for myself in college. (The first piece of nice jewelry I ever bought myself, actually!) And although I didn't spend 60 grand on it, I did spend more than I should have as a college kid with no money. But I didn't buy it for any other reason than the fact that I thought it was one of the most beautiful rings I'd ever seen...(hey, what can I say, I have taste like a royal.) I knew I couldn't afford it, but I vowed I would work it off and cut corners elsewhere to own this ring. (And despite being aware of how senseless that is, and it being a reason behind why some people in our country are in such economic turmoil...I have to admit...I'm so glad I own this ring.)

At the end of the day, I hope that people can always keep in mind what wedding days are really about, which, for me, is the promise of commitment, the vow of devotion and faithfulness to the marriage, and the love between two people being strong enough to withhold life's realities.

And hey, if that's number one on the priority list...then by all means, throw in some SPARKLE! :-)