A letter to my son on his 1st birthday

Kroy Alexander,

You have been with us for one year now. But long before you were born… just a dream and a longing like none other, you have held my heart in its entirety.

I have more thoughts for you than I could ever express in one letter, but I will try to pour out some of my soul onto these pages in hopes that you will someday feel the depth of my love for you.

The days can be long, but the weeks and months fly like the other sweetest of things in life… like the tastiest meal, the sweetest of summers, and an evening with the best of friends.

I want you to know that your mom, with all of her flaws and faults, insecurities and trials, is the one who has figured out the secret to life. Conquered it, no, but believe with all that I am that the secret to happiness is the impossible and never ending quest for balance.

A wish for you is that you learn to love unconditionally, to accept others and yourself as they are, but to always strive for growth in your intellectual, physical, and spiritual life.

A wish for you is that you are strong, convicted, and opinionated, but also compassionate, empathetic, and gentle. Always put people first. Never throw out anyone.

Please know that I will always see you as a little smarter, a little funnier, a little better looking, and all around, a little bit cooler than anyone else.  But know that you are not better than anyone outside of your mother’s eye covered in a sweet shade of rose. Know that no one, no matter what, is beneath you.

I remember holding your older sister’s beautiful, sweet, lifeless body. I remember knowing, in that moment, that I would never feel a greater feeling…at that time, a feeling of pain so unbearably deep that I would forever be changed.

But I was wrong. I have felt another feeling as strong…the moment you were laid into my arms for a very short time before being whisked away from me to ensure that your early arrival had not put you in risk’s reach.

I hope that you are kind. I hope that you have passion, and things that make you feel giddy, exited, and peaceful. I hope that you laugh…a lot, always, and find humor in the every day.

I hope that when you experience heartbreak, embarrassment, bullies, loss, and all of life’s other unfortunate discomforts, that you can let the pain sink just far enough to know that you never want to inflict those feelings onto others, but not far enough to alter the opinion you have of yourself or of the good that exists in this world.  

You are an observant child. Quiet and happy. You love horses, sports balls, and your pirate treasure map blankie. You love Petey and Pippa, Mickey Mouse clubhouse, and all carbs and sweets. You will give kisses and loves, but only to babies and other toddlers your age that you believe to be younger and smaller than you. You love being with the big boys. You love to talk (listen) on the phone, and are an excellent sleeper. You love music and you love to dance. You are an old soul.

You bring joy to all that you come in contact with.

You are a miracle. You are my treasure.

Happy first birthday, my son.  

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stressed

I found this quote tonight...and I TOTALLY feel this way lately.

"Stress is the trash of the modern day - we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life."

I'm having a hard time balancing this "mom with a career" thing. How on earth do people do it all, and still maintain somewhat of a clean home, groceries in the fridge, meals, errands, laundry(showering...although I'm not as worried about that one), AND giving as much as you can to your clients, child, and husband?

Not to mention...bills, work, ANY type of personal endeavors or something for leisure/pleasure.

When I'm successful with one or two of these, I am failing miserably in other areas. Tonight I finally came to grips with that fact that no, in fact, someone did not break into my home and take everything out of all cupboards, cabinets, and closets and throw everything everywhere and leave...that, in fact, my house is THAT bad.

It's mostly just accumulated piles that I KNOW if I just spent 20 minutes organizing and putting things away/finding a place for them, it really would not be as bad as my dramatic description implies. But still..something I dread, and a daunting task.

I am exhausted, behind, and overwhelmed. And yet, I've spent a couple of long, FULL, glorious, and super fun days with my sweet little 7 month old son. My son that will only be little once, that will only be in this stage that he's in RIGHT NOW, and then on to the next.

However, now I am behind. Which means...late nights, tired days, and too many things on the back burner. So where is the balance?

This time with Kroy makes everything else seems so unimportant. But then, reality sets in, that in fact...I do have other obligations, and they are important.

I think...MAYBE...that all people struggle with this. It is the age old battle of balance. The "secret of life"...right? The secret that we're all seeking but never finding.

I need to somehow re-commit to better planning, more organization, and allotting time for things in which those set aside moments...I give 100% of myself to that ONE thing.

I used to look at certain people and think "wow...they are supermom!" But now, I am finding that none of us are super moms, and all of us are...all at the same time. March on, my working mom friends! This crazy life will try to kick our ass all the way to Sunday if we don't show it who's boss once in awhile.

So now, I am going to bed...going to wake up with a grateful heart, a better attitude, embrace my long workday tomorrow doing something I love, not feel guilty about Kroy at the babysitters, schedule a chunk of an hour or so to do nothing but clean, and give myself a big pat on the back for NOT indulging in the Doritos I've been planning to eat for the last half hour.

Celebrate small victories, right? :-)

Goodnight, friends. Life is good.

(Look at my sweet little Bear! I mean, who wouldn't want to nothing else all day but hang out with this guy?!)

Parenting 101

Top 5 things I've learned about parenting thus far:

1. Babies are all little geniuses. They know exactly when to barf on you (when you're finally showered and ready to walk out the door,) they know exactly when to do the lip quiver so you'll give in, and exactly when to think it's party time (3 a.m. when delirium has officially set in.) I'm not sure if I should be impressed by these super smart tiny humans or horrified. I'm generally both.

2. Moms are SO hard on other moms. Why? This is ridiculous. We are the only ones who knows how hard it can be to "do it all" and balance home, parenting, career, and the constant, endless list. We should support each other, and be each other's biggest fans.

3. Some days and moments you cherish, and some you just need to get through. These flip flop back and forth constantly. And it's okay.

4. Parenthood brings the experience of the most extreme kind of exhaustion that exists. Still...never, ever, EVER say "just you wait" to a tired pregnant lady. It's just annoying and redundant. We all would still take having our babes in our arms than being pregnant ANY DAY. (At least I would!) "Just you wait"-ers need to pipe down. All of you.

5. My son is by far the cutest and best baby in the history of babies. (Oh, wait...we all think that...and always will.) :-)
Happy {tired, barfy, behind-on-work, cutest-baby-ever, same-clothes-for-3-days} Tuesday!!! Life is good. <3

I rigged Kroy up in his car seat in the recliner today to feed himself. Mean or clever? I'm going to go with clever. :-)