A letter to my son on his 4th birthday

My Kroy,

This year, I write this early…to ensure a final letter to you as my only child.

What a year your third has been. Last bits and glimpses of toddler no longer…you are now a little boy.

My heart is so full and aches so much back and forth, as I am learning…still…the hard way, that your entire life will continue to be a series of firsts and lasts and everything in between.

The first time you accomplish things on your own, the first time I witness you being a bully, the first time you repeat things (good and bad) that you have learned, the first time I see the look on your face when I’ve let you down.

The last time you’ll ask me to hold you, or carry you, or snuggle you, the last time you say certain (grammatically incorrect) phrases that are the cutest things I’ve ever heard. Like “Dark Bader” (Darth Vader) or “Are you true?” (Is that true?)
The last time you’re interested in certain toys or the last time you call me mommy. (Almost always mom now.) :-(
Firsts and lasts…so many that have already passed us by, and so many more that are to come.

This year, a big first to come….big brother.
So far, you have taken on the idea of that role well. At first you said you didn’t want a sibling, and then you thought…well, it’s baby Briar in there. But as we have talked and prepared, now you know that a sister is coming, she is yours, and you don’t want to hold her if she’s crying. You also know her name, that you would prefer she didn’t sleep in your bed, and a list of things you will teach her. From day 1, you told us that the baby was a girl, a sister. I believe you actually knew.

There are days I worry…what if you don’t feel as loved as you did before your sister came? But then again, I worry a lot these days. I worry about what is happening when I’m not around…and can’t always protect you from a broken heart, a broken leg, or a broken spirit? What if you find yourself unhappy or down a path you didn’t want? What if the wrong people influence you, or the world is ugly? What if I don’t teach you well enough how to treat others, how to persevere, or how to love?
What if I’m not enough?

You see, there are a lot of days…I fail you. I’m too quick to throw on a movie, or tell you “no, pump your feet” when you’re begging me to push you on the swing at the park. (Another thing, someday soon, you’ll never ask me to do again.) I lose my patience, I’m on my phone, or I’m distracted by other things. I vow to be better, to try harder, to love you with more dedication, and to give you more.

You are my most cherished prize in this universe. You are funny, smart, and so strong. You are inquisitive, a little standoffish at first, and can be so serious. Your giggle and outbursts of laughter send me into a euphoric state of understanding, in that moment, what life is about.

You have given me more in (just shy of) 4 years of life than all of the 26 before you combined. You are my greatest treasure, my heaviest burden, my biggest worry, my highest priority, my best source of laughter, and my sweetest guy. My “sweetheart guy.” Sometimes I will ask you, “who are you?” and you will still answer “your sweetie.” Oh my heart…yes, you are. You are and always will be. No matter how many siblings you may have through life, whether it be 1 or 10…you will always be my first, and we were in this together from the beginning.

You are adventurous, brave, and so athletic. You love all things sports, swords, dad, superheroes, and anything that you can ride, throw, or get your hands dirty with. You are not very good at sharing (but we’re working on it.)

I love you more than life itself. And as I sit here full of emotion and many tears, I can’t help but think about all the firsts ahead this year for you…becoming a brother, starting pre-school, starting wrestling, (maybe hockey?), and all the things that will come along with those…I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I get to be your mom. I wish I could save you from life’s heavy burdens…but I can’t. All I can do is try to prepare you as best I can for you to be able to carry them well on your own. They will slowly stack upon your shoulders as the years go on and life becomes crueler, harder, and heavier. But I will always be right by your side, no matter what.

This parenting gig...it is hard. I must admit, I’m not always the best at it. Thank God I have your dad along on this ride with me, as he is your rock, your greatest role model…your favorite. (And mine too.)

Next year, I’ll write about your first year as a full-fledged little boy…but for now, this mama’s heart is aching that you are so big, so grown up, and my time with just you and you alone is soon coming to an end.

If nothing else in life, always remember these things: be kind, be free, and you are so loved.

With many tears and all the love in the world,
Xoxo…
Your mom