Another year. My sweet Kroy,
This past year, you have morphed right before my eyes from a toddler into a little boy.
This has been such a joy, and also very difficult for me at the same time.
Some of the toddler stages you went through were a huge challenge for me. They required a lot more patience and energy than I sometimes had. Now, you have become so very independent and although those things make my life easier and more convenient many times, the trade off is a hard tug on the heartstrings. My baby doesn’t need me like he used to.
As we get to know each other more and more over these passing years, I am learning that most things in parenting are like this…good and bad, sweet and difficult, hilarious and frustrating, a new zest for life and extreme exhaustion….all at once. Sweet and sour. The best of times and the worst of times.
I find this feeling both fascinating and sad, if I’m being honest. Each accomplishment you make, each passing year, each special event in your life I will be overflowing with pride and joy…and a little broken hearted by how big you are and how fast time flies. I know this feeling is just the tip of the iceberg of the years to come.
There are already days I wish I could get back…that I wish I would have gone to sleep earlier the night before, so I could be more patient with your fits and find more humor in your messes and repeating the same phrases over and over and over. Already evenings I wish I would have stayed home to spend that time with you. Realistically, there will be many more days like this over the course of your life that I don’t realize in that moment.
I love being your mom, Kroy. I love your sweet voice and your baby soft skin. I love your tender heart and willingness to share. I love when your laugh shakes you from your core and pure glee radiates from your nose to your kneecaps.
You are also challenging me every step of the way. You are strong willed and stubborn. You are a daddy’s boy, and will choose dad 10 times out of 10 when it comes to going places with, reading to, special trips, sitting with, or any activities. These things can make the days and the weeks long. These things are hard on a mom’s heart.
But you don’t know. You are just truly and completely free to be who you are and express what you feel. The only time in life we are completely comfortable with ourselves and all of our own thoughts and expressions…we don’t remember later in life. Isn’t it crazy? I hope you can keep some of that comfort level with yourself…the one that innocent little free spirited souls have. We lose that somewhere along the way.
It is fun to see you starting to understand things going on around you, but also terrifying. With all of that new excitement and grasp on the world, you will also start to see the ugly and the cruel that life can bring. I can’t save you from all of it, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to.
You love swords (slightly obsessed) sports, rough housing, football, baseball, and golf. You love to climb and jump from very high places. You love to take baths and read books and ride your scooter. You love anything and everything to do with your dad. You can be very serious and take a very long time to warm up to others. You can also be very outgoing, compassionate, and so sweet. You absolutely refuse to be potty trained, despite the fact that you’re the size of a 5 year old, and so are your turds.
As I sit here typing this, you are currently on the floor of the hallway in a full tantrum because an old pair of shoes you’d like to wear are way too small and won’t go on your feet. You will not accept this, and you will not take my help. Within 3 minutes you will be not only fine but probably laughing or so excited about something else. Welcome to a glimpse of life with 3 year old Kroy.
I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days I feel like a terrible mom. Days that I feel like I check out mentally, or don’t follow through, or wait for that 8:30 bedtime and moment of celebration when I lay you down for bed and close the door behind me. But I’m trying. I’m trying to be present, to be supportive, to be strict and consistent, to be patient, loving, and understanding. I’m trying to not sweat the small stuff, to be a good example, to teach you the golden rule. To hold you a little longer and despite how physically difficult it has become now with your size, to carry you every chance you will let me. It is slipping away, my chances at some of these things. I am trying to show you what it’s like to love someone unconditionally. Sometimes I fail…often times…but I am trying.
I’d lasso the moon for you if I could.
xoxo…
Your mama.
